It’s been a while.
Those of you who follow me on Twitter will know that I recently posted a short thread, acknowledging my social media – primarily Twitter and this blog – silence. The thread alluded towards a massive shock that had exploded into my life.
Now, whilst I said I would write all about it soon, today is not that day. You see, the unexpected turn of events erupted into a tangled, complicated web, and that web is not something I am going to write about just yet. I mean, when the time comes that I do find a way to explain the messy absurdity, it’s going to make for one hell of a post, and that isn’t just me as the writer saying it. Alas, instead, I will write about the journey itself.
Ideals are dangerous things. Realities are better. They wound, but they’re better. – Oscar Wilde.
I’ve never considered myself a naive person. Maybe I am, maybe the inability to accept this fact about myself is part of the problem, but ultimately I thought that I was sharp enough to recognise the signs that I needed to. Does that person seem genuine? Or how do I respond to this situation to ensure I get the honest answers?
In turns out my radar is not all that great. I was determined for years that it was.
As mentioned earlier I’m not ready, or currently willing, to go into too much detail about my previous relationship, due to the complexities of its nature, but I can at least conclude that the relationship I believed I was in was not what I thought, in fact, it was based on numerous terrible lies, and it ended as though it had never started; but the feelings I had, and the belongings I want back, the only real reminder that it really did happen.
I struggle with my mental health and always have done, for as long as I can remember, stemming back into early childhood, and I refused to let that be a reason for someone to think they could manipulate me. In the world we live in, I know that it happens. Unfortunately, it leads to emotional cracks that the wrong person could take advantage of. A sense of calm amongst the storms. A sense of stability while everything falls apart. I always knew I was susceptible to falling into that, and I refused wholeheartedly to let my need for quelling of the mind to lead me into dark situations.
But, it did.
The point I guess I want to make is that what happened to me I didn’t see coming for a mile off. I already had mental health issues I was managing, but the sheer shock of what came before me knocked me for six. I had to come off social media. Some mediums I have to continue to stay deactivated from. I went through a whole array of emotion, but I genuinely saw no future for myself. My future had been dictated by a reality that was fictional, and the cause did not even come from my own accepted desire, so why was I invested into it? I felt completely stupid. I was informed of my own intelligence by the person who caused all of this. I strongly believed in something, and if I was that intelligent, why didn’t I see it?
Questions to myself after questions. A real evaluation of my own self, and of where I’m at, and of where I’m going to go next.
It comes down to reality over fantasy. The sheer reality was there all along, but when you’re so distracted by a fantasy of your deep down desires, ones you never realised you had, it seeps into nothingness. I had to figure out answers for myself, and I had to discover the truths in an array of ways, but not by the person it involved. I realised quite quickly that seeking closure from somebody who refuses to explain themselves is a false economy, and acceptance is key.
It was a perfect mask from the real issues I needed to solve, and maybe that was a part of the problem, too. I’m a twenty-two year old (twenty-three on Tuesday) who had finished their career to pursue full time academia and become a graduate of Literature and Writing. During the past year I had just been trying to get by. I was entitled to financial help, when I dropped 10k in my salary to work part time, and I had real issues there I needed to face. I needed to discover who I was, and what I needed from life. Beforehand I used financial success to appease my self-worth, and on a deeper level, my chronic depression, and this past year I had to try and refigure that mentality.
I apologise for my lack of content these past few weeks. I really just didn’t feel comfortable being seen. Being read. But that’s who I am… the one thing that I refused to be sapped from me is my desire to write. I’ve done my catatonic numbness, and my irrational behaviour is now over with.
You can’t lose what wasn’t real in the first place. And actually, what I’ve realised that there is a lot of realness in the world. I’ve seen kindness where I did not expect to see it, from many people, and I’ve seen revelations within myself I never planned to see.
Even the toughest, smartest, prepared people fall foul to deception. Deception is a craft not an intention, and it’s craft because those who master it, recognise the people they’re dealing with.